As I near the end of my educational journey (for now) I have thought quite a bit about time. For some reason, time is the one thing, no matter how hard we may try, that we can’t control. Everyone says: “Enjoy the time you have with your kids, because before you know it, it’s over. ” As a mother, you want to soak up every moment, but get caught up in the craziness of everyday life.
For the past five years of my life, that’s been school. I would be up early, gone all day, and studying late. The hours of prepping, reading, and attending classes really adds up. Then adding internship into the equation last year, really took me away from my kids. I was shocked thinking that, for all of the twin’s lives’ and most of Raine’s life: I’ve been in school.
I was so relieved thinking about the evenings I won’t be gone, the late night studying sessions that will be over, and how my life will become much simpler. Then, a friend of mine who is in my program at school and also a mother, opened my eyes to a different situation. She explained she’d be taking the summer off, and not immediately entering the workforce. Her reasoning: this is the last summer she will have before her work career will truly start, and wanted to spend it with her kids, one last time. Instant mom guilt. Though I knew this was not an option for us, as we are in the process of moving, getting another car, and having three children in private school, I felt the mom guilt hard.
As much as we all like to act confident in our choices as parents, that guilt sometimes creeps up on us and there’s no denying it once it’s there. I’d dedicated so much time to my education, and now my career would be the focus. Was I selfish? Would my kids turn out alright? All these questions flooded my brain, and I became overwhelmingly sad.
The mom guilt won’t just go away. Even when speaking with my mother, she recalls moments in my own childhood, and you would think it just happened. Not that it was 20+ years ago! So, no, I don’t think there is some magical formula to give you time back, or even extend the moments you wish you could now. I do think though, that we have to make the most out of every moment. My goal from here on out, is to enjoy all the time I have left with my babies. It’s to forget everything else that is going on around me, and just be present when i’m with them.
Raine made a summer bucket list that he shared with us at his classroom open house, and I decided to create one for our family. Some things on there are big, like amusement parks and day trips, but other things on the list include making popsicles, seeing a drive- in movie, visiting the aquarium, etc. Because, even though I will be employed full- time, I will also have my evenings back, my weekends back, and enjoy holidays with my family as well. Refocusing my energy on being thankful for the memories we will be able to make together is the solution. I want to truly relish the time I do have left with my children, as children. I look forward to this summer, as I will be entering it with a grateful heart and an excitement about sharing these moments with you.
-Gypsy Hearted Mama