In high school I was a bit of a drifter. I moved around quite a bit, experimented with tons of things, and did my very best to find myself. I failed greatly. I’ve always been someone who has just wanted to make others happy, and never really figured out what that meant for myself. What makes me happy? It’s a question I still have a hard time answering.
I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’m happy with my life. I have an amazing supportive husband, three happy, healthy, wonderful children, and a family who is always there for me in any situation. I’m well aware of my blessings, but in the same way, I’ve never really thought about who I am without them. What I mean by that is: When my husband is working, my kids are in school, and everyone else around me is busy living life…. Who am I?
It’s a question I’ve been fortunate enough, (until now) to not have to answer. My life since high school, has been filled with: school, babies, and a rollercoaster of changes all around me. This life of mine, consumed any possibility of having to deal with this question. Which brings me to today.
My eldest son is now in school, the twins are starting pre-school in the fall, and I’ll be finished with my own schooling for the time being. I’m absolutely terrified of what this means for me as a person. I can no longer hide behind the tasks of my daily life, and am forced to confront this question.
I told my husband about a week ago, that I was a little envious of him. He asked me why, and I explained that he has so many hobbies, and things he loves to do. A chef, by profession, but an artist in the kitchen in his free time, loves working on cars, etc. He answered back “You like watching those reality tv shows babe.” I was shocked, and a little offended to be honest. Yes, I enjoy the critically acclaimed ABC shows, I mean Grey’s Anatomy, How to Get Away with Murder, they are addicting. But that couldn’t be my only hobby. That couldn’t be the only thing that people see when they look at me. And then I thought, how could I expect others to see something in me, that I couldn’t even see for myself. If I can’t answer the question of “who am I?” Why would anyone else be able to?
So instead of having misdirected anger or disappointment. I’ve decided to do something about it. I’ve given myself a new goal. Now that my children are entering new stages of their own, my husband is all in with his career, and I’ve earned my B.A., my next step is answering that question. It won’t happen overnight, and I fully expect it to be a little uncomfortable. But then again, tell me something worth having that isn’t?
I can’t wait to read, write, meditate, sing, dance, create, and brave as many new things possible, until I figure out who I am in this new stage i’m in. So stay tuned, as I enter into the next chapter of my life, and blog about it each step of the way!
-Gypsy Hearted Mama