Recently, I’ve given my readers a glimpse into my life. It’s been scary and exciting, but overall, really satisfying. I’m often skeptical about being too vulnerable. Well, I’ve decided to dig a little deeper, and introduce you to a part of my life I try to focus the least on: My anxiety and depression.
I have a family history of depression.
So, I always knew there was a possibility I would have to face it, at some point in my life. I have had spurts of depression since my teenage years, but it was manageable for the most part. It wasn’t until I’d given birth to Raine, and developed postpartum, that I really began to understand: Shit,I have depression. I lived in a studio apartment in Korea-town when Raine was born. I was alone a lot of the time, and often consumed by sadness. Daniel worked two jobs and my family still had to live their lives’ despite me being a new mom. I think It was both a blessing and a curse having that much time to reflect on things. I overcame my postpartum, but the depression would still come and go over the years, until the twin’s were born.
Depression took on a whole new meaning, once I (shocker) had postpartum again after my second pregnancy. Being a twin mama, as I’ve shared, is not for the faint of heart. Also, as some people may not know, you are at a higher risk of having postpartum depression again, if you’ve dealt with it during a previous pregnancy. This time though, the postpartum was for a shorter period of time. What I didn’t know at the time, was that I would be gaining a new scary partner: Anxiety.
Now my anxiety happened for the first time during my pregnancy with the twins. I remember being in the car with my mom (while I was very pregnant) and not being able to breathe. I freaked out and she pulled over to the side of the road, so I could get out. It was the single most frightening experience of my life. I actually thought I was going to die. Now this was a single occurrence and didn’t creep it’s way back in until after I gave birth. In fact, directly after the postpartum depression ended, I began having frequent anxiety and panic attacks. Which was not easy, to say the least.
I’m anxious constantly now, it’s almost a daily occurrence.
But, it’s just something I’ve had to learn to live with. Little things get me worked up, I start to get anxious, and then depression comes in shortly after. It does affect my ability to see the glass half- full sometimes, which sucks. It’s even harder when you are feeling completely defeated, and still have these little faces looking up at you, needing you to be there. Motherhood, depression, and anxiety are one hell of a combo. Because of this, I like to stay as positive as I can. If anyone knows me, my instagram page is proof of that. I always say though, the positivity, and inspirational quotes, they’re just as much for me, as they are for anyone else reading them. Sometimes that’s all that gets me through the day. Sometimes, I post the exact opposite of my vibe in that moment even. I think we’re always expected to be okay, and it’s just complete bullshit. Life is hard, and we’re only human.
Now on the flip side of that, I do really enjoy the good times. When I have a moment where I feel really good, i soak it up. I let the positivity ooze out, because I know those moments are fleeting. I know it’s hard to always keep pushing, keep holding on, and not giving up. The alternative though? Terrifies me. So there is no other option, than to give it all you’ve got, and then just be okay with that. Like I said, I’m a work in progress, and I will be until I take my final breath. I firmly believe in therapy, spending time with the one’s you love, and finding your self- care activity (and sticking to it!)
It won’t be something that magically goes away for me, or a lot of other people out there. But, it’s something I absolutely refuse to let consume my life. It’s something that I won’t allow to ruin my happiness or break my spirit. To anyone dealing with this, don’t you dare give up, keep fighting with all you’ve got! This was by far, the hardest post to write, but also very cathartic. Thank you so much for being on this blogging journey with me!
- Gypsy mama at heart